Icky Irony
by HanajimaFB
Summary: Maria isn't what you would call normal. She hates everything, but when a new guy moves in, her whole life changes. Warning: Some swearing.
1. The New Guy

Disclaimer: I don't own Animal Crossing. If I did, I'd be swimming in a pool of cheese cake right now.

It was raining when I woke up. I turned to face my cabin clock. 10 am. Damn it's early. I pull a book from my kiddie bookcase and threw it at my Hi-Fi stereo. K.K. Rock blasts from the speakers. That helped me get out of bed…

…and trip over my train car model.

I cursed at it while I was falling, getting up, and beating it with my regal lamp. Then I threatened to sell it. Ha ha. Teaches you not to get in my way. 

I open my exotic wardrobe and pull out my necessities for the day: a dress (bleck), a fishing pole, and a shovel. No point in bringing the net and I broke my axe while attacking a tree stump with my bottled up rage. 

Yes, I'm aware of my problems. I'm psychotic, not stupid. 

I grabbed a random umbrella when I ran downstairs. I prepared to open it when I opened the door. It was a little too late.

A whole swarm of raindrops dart to me like the bees from the hives I encountered. But this was a bit more painful. To me, of course. 

I shut the door with much annoyance and stand there like a moron. Dripping wet and cold.

I didn't mention that I HATE water and coldness now did I? Well, I hate it. HATE IT! It's the curse of nature and an enemy to pyros like me. I have tiki torches guarding my bed, a bon fire in my living room, my nifty fire umbrella under a glass case and a murderous need for the fire shirt. 

I stare at the door for a while. Damn you. I hate staying indoors. All the fun and dangerous items can be only use OUTSIDE a house. Like fireworks. Or dynamite. And other explosives. 

I take a breath and open the door to run. But I slipped instead. I cursed aloud, not giving a damn about whether or not some "innocent" creature is listening. Not my fault. I get up and start walking to the beach. WALKING. I'm NOT a very patient person.

While I power walked to the stupid beach, I ran into a couple of loser animals I call neighbors. Esh, Bob the cross-dressing transgender pussy...cat. Creepy critter. Damn goodie two shoes too. MOVE OUTTA MY TOWN!

Then there's Monique, stupid bitch. She looks like she's been slapped with a compact eye shadow case. I bet it's because she whores around. 

I just waved to both of them while I pass. Hopefully, they won't follow me. Stupid stalkers. Why can't they get a life?

Moving on with my life, I final-freaking-ly make it to the damn beach. The sand is wet, the dock is wet, I am wet and I don't see a fish ANYWHERE! 

Wait, never mind. WHEE! GO REEL GO!

I hope it's that cole-coolf-coca cola fish thing. It's the really big one with the really big name. And not that damn…

Sea…

Bass…

….. 

AW FAWK! IT'S THE DAMN SEA BASTARD! AURG!

As any money sane person in this world, I threw it away. And cursed at it aloud. CURSE CURSE CURSE! Then this damn nosey idiot dared to come up to me. 

"Excuse me, but I think your shouting is scaring away the fish," he way-too-politely told me. Bite me. 

I turn around to face him and speak in an articulate voice that he should fuck off, but stand I just there looking like a bigger idiot than he is.

He has the godly fire shirt. Oh. My. Lord.              

"You….you have a fire shirt…" I'm stupefied right about now.

"Um….yeah I do." He looks down at it and stretches it out. DON'T TAUNT ME BOY!

I frown at him. I hate people who that better things than me. I blame my sister for that.

I examine him carefully. It's normally gets people nervous. 

"Who the hell are you? I haven't seen you before." See how nice I am with welcomes?

"I'm…I'm Ryan, your new neighbor. I think. Your house is the really big one, right?"

"Yyyeaaah…" That or the fact that I'm the only one in the human neighborhood. Wait, did he say he's my neighbor? 

"Which house is yours?" I wanna burn it.

"Um…the one with the green roof." Hey, I could throw a flaming wine bottle to that house. 

"Just moved in?"

"Yeah…I worked off some of Nook's debt." Oh, that cheap ass. Sells things for twice as much as it should be and buys things for half the price is should be.

"Well, good luck paying it off." And I started to walk FAR away from this guy.

"Wait!"

"What now?" I growl. Stop wasting my time!

"Could you…um…" he pauses. "Help me out?"  I blink. 

"For what price?" I love money and money loves me.

"Maybe…for uh…" he looks down at his shirt. "This?" he points at it. Temptation....must not….rise….erug…

"Deal." I really gotta stop speaking my mind! I hate you boy! Grrrr!

"Oh thanks. Um…well, I just need to know things so if I have a question, I'm going to come to you ok?" 

"Yeah yeah, sure." Idiot. Is that all you needed? After that, I continued to terrorize the sea bass and praise the others. The fishing trip was pretty long. Not that I have much to do anymore anyways.

After catching half the sea bass population and throwing them back in, I decided that I've done enough fishing and should go sell. Pulling out my umbrella, the pest comes back to bother me. 

"Hey!" he calls to me. 

"What now?" Go away! I wanna sellllll!!!!

"Um…it's kinda embarrassing, but….what's your name?" 

"Maria. Need anything else?" 

"I was….I was wondering if you were heading over to Nook's. I'm going top, so do you wanna walk there together? Well, he's a bit too friendly and I was hoping that he wouldn't be as uh…forceful if there were two of us." Again with the walking! Ugh. Stupid boy.

"Fine. But just this once." I'm never too social with anyone. Damn that shirt.


	2. Too close for comfort

A/N: Yeah, this chapter's a little shorter. I couldn't think of much I guess ^^;;

*** = Scene change 

Whoever said women talk too much hasn't met this guy. I've known him for uh…what, ten minutes and he explains to me why he moved here. Something about wanting to get away or something rather. Eh, I wasn't listening 99.8% of the time. Whatever, it's not important. 

For once, I actually was grateful that Tom Nook stopped us. Greedy people can be helpful at times. 

"Welcome welcome! I see that I have two customers today. How can I help you?" he says cheerily. Right now, I wanna rip off the grin that he's wearing. But I can't, damnit

"Uh…yeah, we're selling fish," Ryan spoke up first. I'm not much of a talker anyways. We both held up our fish. I think we scared the hell out of Nook. Damnit, we didn't scare him to death! Aurg! 

"Well well, let me see what you have to sell." He says with a weak smile. Phony. 

Being me, I showed him the Red Snappers first…

Then the Barred KnifeJaws…

And the Coco thingy last…

Mwahahaha…

"Pay up." I smirk, leaning against his counter. He gulped.

"Yes yes, I will." He shuffled over to his register and handed me the money. 

"Kay, I'm done here." I announce, whistling to myself. I began to walk out until Bryan or Richard or what's-his-face asks me to wait. 

I hate waiting. This better be important. 

"Could you show me to the museum?" he asks. Can't you read a map?

"Alright…" I sigh. Of course, I didn't know where it was myself so we took about an hour to get there. 

I hope he thinks I was doing it on purpose…

"Here we are. Ok, I'm going now." Must…run…

"Don't you wanna see the fish?"

"No."

"Or the art?"

"No." Damnit! Leave me be!

"C'mon…there's nothing else better to do." 

"Fine! Geez…" Groaning, I walk in with him. 

The first thing we see is a sleeping owl. I wish I had my firecrackers with me now.

"We better not disturb him," he whispers. I just roll my eyes. He starts walking to the aquarium and I start leaving.

"Hey, where are you going?"

"Home. I've changed my mind, I _have_ something to do."

"Oh…well…see you later then." He slightly waves at me.

"Yeah yeah." Pulling out my umbrella, I started to leave.

***

Strange, I just met him today and he starts getting friendly. He must've been one of those kids who sit in the back of the classroom and stay quiet. Probably some kind of loner. Oh well, he's gone now. Creepy kid. 

I put down my journal and turned off the light. It's still raining and it's 12 AM. Ugh, may the Sun god Ra devour your pathetic raindrop souls. 

***

It's morning already? I turn to check my clock and it's about…

12 PM.

Whoooo…I slept for 12 hours, oh joy. 

Same process, cept without the umbrella and stupid train car model. Why do I even have that thing?

Yay! It's sunny! But the floor and grass is still wet. Ehhhh…

Hearing a beeping noise, I turn to my mailbox. Oooh, I got mail. I open the box and search through it.

Spam. Spam. Junk. Junk. Spam. Junk. Hey, what's this? A present?

Naturally, I tore open the package before I read the letter. 

It's the fire shirt! Yee!

Wait….Not Yee….

I glance at the letter. Oh God.

It's from Ryan.

Let's see what the moron has to say…

"Dear Maria,

I didn't want this to get wet, so I sent it.

            -Ryan."

            I stare at his house for a moment. 

            …Idiot. 


End file.
